


I may not always love you

by Katarin



Series: God Only Knows [2]
Category: Bandom, Bandom: Panic at the Disco
Genre: Arranged Marriage, Group Marriage, M/M, Multi, Polygamy, Relgious Themes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-08-22
Updated: 2010-08-22
Packaged: 2017-10-11 05:15:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/108811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katarin/pseuds/Katarin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ryan isn't who he's supposed to be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I may not always love you

**Author's Note:**

> This is a prequel to God only knows

Ryan is five when he meets Spencer. He doesn't know why but for some reason they get along right away. Spencer doesn't have nearly as much time to play as Ryan does, because the Prophet had received a revelation in the Spring and Spencer had been ordained as a future boywife. There's lessons involved, special lessons that Spencer's mother is constantly calling him back to the house to learn.

Ryan asks about it when they're searching for frogs in the creek that runs along the back of the compound. Ryan has mud along the cuffs of his pants and all over his bare arms but Spencer's avoiding every mud puddle. It's making searching for frogs kind of impossible.

"What do you learn about when you're alone with your mom?" he asks him, bending down in some particularly tall grass. "Do you think I could come?"

"She's teaching me how to be a proper boywife," Spencer answers, pulling his sleeves down so they cover his wrists and clearly making an effort not to add the unspoken duh. "And of course you can't, what if the Prophet's revelation about you says you're meant to be a husband?"

Ryan hadn't really thought about that, but it makes sense. "Yeah but, what's she teaching you?"

"Obedience, patience, how to keep a tidy house," Spencer shrugs. "Things that will make my husband happy." They walk in silence for a bit before Spencer shouts "There's one!" and they give chase, Ryan running through the muddy bank and Spencer cutting off its exit in the non muddy parts of the grass.

Ryan is eight and the Prophet still hasn't had a revelation about him when his father loses one of his wives. It's Meredith, and Ryan's known her since he was two. She and her daughter leave at high noon, packing their things by order of the Prophet to move into another man's home. Ryan doesn't really understand what's happening, the only thing he's heard is that his father used his seat on the Bishop's Council to do something against the Prophet and that that was a wicked thing to do.

Ryan and Spencer play pioneer behind Spencer's house, Ryan playing Joseph Smith and Spencer as his first boywife until one of Ryan's mothers comes looking for him. It's Janice, who's been married to Ryan's father since before Ryan was even born and she looks so sad Ryan doesn't argue. He does take enough time to hug Spencer good-bye though and feels better when Spencer whispers "It'll be okay," in his ear.

Ryan is eleven when he decides he wants to marry Spencer. He knows it'll be another four years before he can ask him and that the Prophet still hasn't had a revelation about his destiny, but he also knows none of that matters. He and Spencer are meant to be. They're best friends and whenever Ryan looks at Spencer his heart clenches and he just knows that no one else will ever know him even half as well as Spencer does.

They're laying next to each other in a field, ostensibly staring up at the sky and Spencer at least, is on his back and looking up but Ryan's looking at Spencer and they're both holding hands, Ryan rubbing his thumb across the back of Spencer's wrist, just underneath his sleeve. He wants to tell Spencer he loves him, that he wants to marry him, that he wants to be the husband Spencer's spent his life waiting for. Then Spencer turns his head and catches his gaze for second before breaking out in one of those rare Spencer grins and Ryan knows he doesn't have to. Ryan lays his head down next to Spencer's and they both lay there until fire ants start biting the back of Ryan's neck.

Spencer's rubbing a salve over the bites when they both look up and see yet another of Ryan's mothers leaving his father's house. Spencer just squeezes Ryan's shoulder and doesn't bother to tell him it will work out. Ryan's dad is down to three wives, his own mother included and shows no signs of giving in at the Council. His father told their family just yesterday that he was looking out for their future, that the Rosses wouldn't be trifled with but Ryan doesn't care. As eldest boy he knows he should, but all he wants is to grow up so he can marry Spencer and everything else can sort itself out.

Ryan's fourteen when he stops believing. In the Prophet, in his father, maybe even in God, he's not entirely certain. His mother is taken from his father (his father's last wife and now it's just the two of them) and only hours later, the Prophet receives revelation about Ryan. Spencer grabs his hand when it's announced to the community at large in the meeting hall. This is what they've been waiting for and now they only have a year to wait.

Then the Prophet says he's to be a boywife and he and Spencer just stare at him, certain it must be a mistake. Spencer drops his hand and Ryan turns to look at him and he can see Spencer's heart breaking, can see every dream either of them ever had falling apart. Spencer separates himself from Ryan and folds his hands in his lap, looking down the entire rest of the meeting.

It's not fair, not fair at all and Ryan stalks around outside of Spencer's house for nearly two hours after sunset, waiting for Spencer to take out the garbage. Spencer nearly punches him in the face when he grabs him, but he stops as soon as he sees it's Ryan.

"Ryan, what are you doing here? You have to leave," Spencer tells him and Ryan pushes him up against the tree they used to climb as children.

"Spence," he whispers against Spencer's mouth before leaning in to kiss him. It's a hard, desperate press of mouth against mouth and Ryan would apologize but Spencer opens his mouth and clutches him tighter, pulls him closer.

"Ryan, Ryan, I-" and Spencer cuts himself off, doesn't say what they both know because it doesn't matter anymore, none of it does. Ryan pulls away and looks around because what if someone saw? What if someone saw Spencer doing this and Ryan ruined his reputation forever? They stare at each other and the inches between feels like miles before Spencer finally collects himself enough to go back into his house.

Ryan is seventeen and Spencer's going to marry Jon Walker. Ryan doesn't personally know Jon Walker but he knows he asked Spencer before he asked his father, that he waited until Spencer was okay with it before asking his father to ask the Prophet. In the comfort of Ryan's own head he can call a spade a spade and say that the decision to make Spencer Smith the first boywife of Elder Walker's youngest son had nothing to do with divine revelation and everything to do with favors owed. That alone makes Ryan grudgingly like Jon Walker, even if he wants to punch him for being able to touch Spencer every day for the rest of their lives.

"I'm getting married," Spencer had told him in a hushed tone when he came by that morning. Spencer always speaks in a hushed tone around Ryan's house these days and though Ryan is certain his father appreciates it, Ryan prefers to make as much noise as possible because it's what he deserves.

"At least you'll be First," Ryan manages, wanting desperately to say something nice right now when all he really is is angry. But it's obvious just from looking at Spencer that this hurts him and Ryan could never hurt Spencer, not like that, so he bites his tongue.

"I'm going to be Only," Spencer answers back, folding his hands in front of him. "I'm going with him to BYU, Jon doesn't want to live the Principle." And that's exactly what Spencer deserves, a chance at being happy and Jon can give it to him. No one will come after Spencer, drag him kicking and screaming back to the compound if he's legally married to Jon.

They get married the next day and if Ryan didn't know he was going to have to help his father get home, he'd probably get drunk. Everyone is happy and cheerful and some of them are even cheerful enough to pat his knee pityingly and say that it'll be his turn next, just be patient. He finds Spencer alone for just a second and drags him away from everything. They end up in a pantry and Spencer watches him with nervous eyes.

"I don't know what I should say," he tells him, taking hold of both of his hands. "Because you're leaving and you aren't really coming back and I don't know how to say goodbye to you." Spencer looks like he's about to cry and Ryan feels his own throat burning so he rushes on. "But I thought I should at least say it once, even though we both know. I love you, Spencer Smith and I always will so take care of yourself and make sure Jon takes care of you." and he is crying a little now, but he can't really be all that embarrassed because Spencer is too.

Ryan is eighteen and he lives for his daily trips to the library and Spencer's letters. Spencer looks happy in all of the pictures he sends, smiling and happy and always holding onto Jon or their roommate Tom. He's wearing short, brightly colored t-shirts and his hair is cut in the oddest way. All of his letters end the same way _Still missing you. Love Always, Spencer_.

He ends up cleaning up after his dad a lot, picking up the house and fixing the leaky roof, occasionally hitchhiking into the city to pawn one of the family heirlooms so that he can buy groceries, so they'll have something to eat when the Council doesn't send around food for them. Every time he manages to hitch a ride he imagines asking them to take him farther, Las Vegas, Salt Lake City, Denver, but all he has to feel is Spencer's letter in his pocket and he tells them it won't be far, just the next city over.

Ryan is nearly twenty and he and his father are getting thrown off the compound. His father is drunk, again, still and unfortunately for both of them, it's not the kind of drunk where he's about to pass out, it's the kind where he wants to fight and lash out at whoever is around. Today, it's the men the Council sent by. Ryan doesn't know what to do, his father is causing a scene and he knows he won't have anywhere to go if they're thrown out so he calls the only friend he has. It's one in the morning and Spencer answers anyway and listens to everything Ryan has to say before giving him a simple "We'll be right there," before hanging up.

He doesn't entirely believe it when he sees them, Spencer jumps out of the car and they embrace for far longer than propriety allows but fuck propriety, Spencer's already married and Ryan's clearly never going to be anyway, so who cares? Jon looks away and flips open his cell phone, stepping away to make a few calls. Spencer cups his face and presses a kiss to Ryan's forehead and Ryan's so happy to have Spencer back again that he almost misses what Spencer says.

"I'm sorry, what?" he asks, pulling away to pay closer attention.

"I said I want you to marry Jon. He's going to ask his father to speak to the Prophet and, and it'll happen, he knows it will. Just say yes and your dad can stay and you can go away with us," Spencer tells him.

"But you won't be Only anymore if Jon married me," is all Ryan can manage because he's confused. Jon doesn't want to live the Principle, that's why he and Spencer are living in that shitty apartment in Salt Lake City instead of a nice house paid for by the Council.

Spencer looks guilty for a second, looking over Ryan's shoulder to where Ryan's certain Jon is standing and biting his lip before turning back to Ryan with a determined look. "No, I'll be first and you won't be on the street. That's fine for me, I'm fine with that, just say yes, Ryan."

On their wedding day, Jon gives Ryan a ring just like Spencer's with all three of their names engraved inside. He's solemn and has to sign a lot of papers, but he kisses Ryan like he means it and smiles for all of the pictures.

Ryan is nearly twenty and he's supposed to be losing his virginity. It's his wedding night and he has absolutely no clue what to do. He vaguely wonders if Spencer's mom ever covered this in any of her lessons but then Jon's stripping out of his Whites so Ryan figures he should pay attention.

"Have you ever...?" Jon trails off and Ryan's not entirely certain what he's asking, but he's still insulted.

"Did you before your wedding night?" he answers back, folding his arms in front of him. Jon sighs and lays back on the bed in his underwear.

"Look, Spencer's across the hall, I don't have to sleep here if you don't want me to," Jon finally says and Ryan isn't about to go sending Jon to Spencer's room after Spencer's put so much trouble and effort into convincing Jon to marry him so Ryan starts stripping too.

He figures he can use his hands, he's jerked off enough on his own to know the basic mechanics and it requires the least amount of effort. He reaches into Jon's boxer-briefs, and pulls him out, wrapping his hand around Jon's cock and Jon surprises him by doing the same. He arches into Jon's hands and Jon leans in to kiss him. It's a sweet kiss, soft and Ryan just wants to fall into it. He wonders if this is how Jon kissed Spencer their first night together, if this was all they did or if Jon... he bites Jon's lip and pulls away. Jon frowns down at him but Ryan won't/can't answer him.

Jon leans down to kiss his throat, soft press of teeth and Ryan can see him doing this to Spencer so easily. Spencer has such a pretty throat and beautiful, perfect skin that's meant for being bitten. "He'll never love you like he loves me," he tells Jon, tightening his fist around his cock and stroking faster.

To Jon's credit he only looks taken back for a second before shrugging it off. "Maybe, but I'm the one he ran away with." Ryan bites Jon's neck when he comes, sticky and messy into Jon's hand and Jon returns the favor. When he looks at it in the morning, it looks like a love bite. The irony isn't lost on him.

Ryan is twenty and he's sitting in on six classes at BYU and knows he wants to go to college more than almost anything. All of his creative writing professors think he has real talent and when Ryan tells Spencer, Spencer gives him a hard time about minding his place. Ryan doesn't know what he's talking about for a second and then he remembers that according to doctrine, boywives aren't supposed to work outside the home. Which is stupid and bullshit and he tells Spencer this, because they're not living the Principle anymore and Spencer reminds him that yes, actually, they are and that if Ryan does something to lessen Jon in the eyes of the Council, they could actually be in trouble.

Jon comes home at the tail end of their argument and it's clear from the dust on his pants and the tightness around his eyes that he's been back at the compound.

"How did the meeting go?" Spencer asks and Ryan looks up at the schedule on the refrigerator and sure enough, COUNCIL MEETING is written is huge red ink on today.

"I don't really want to talk about it," Jon answers and when Ryan looks down he can see the six pack of real beer that Jon must have picked up before crossing the state line. He frowns and Jon must see because he sighs and rolls his eyes, pushing past them both to head for his study.

Spencer glares at him so hard Ryan expects him to sprain something but he follows after Jon, knocking on the door to the study and going inside at Jon's quiet _Yes?_

"Oh for fucking- I don't want to fight with you, Ryan," Jon says, looking up from the guitar in his lap. Jon rarely does actual work in his study, even though it has everything Jon might need for it. He prefers to write his papers on his laptop at the dinner table or complete problem sets on the coffee table. He comes into his study to be alone and listen to music and try to copy it on his guitar. Ryan's not sure what Jon did when he got into moods before they had a house with a study, though sometimes he thinks that before the house was also before Ryan, so he probably didn't get moody nearly as often.

"I don't want to fight with you either!" Ryan answers back belligerently, crossing his arms.

"Are you about to start a fight with me about how we're not fighting?" Jon asks then. "Because no way in hell do I have enough beer for that." Ryan makes another face without meaning to and Jon scowls and looks down at his guitar. "I'm not your father and even though it's your night, I wouldn't dream of making you endure my company after I've done something you disapprove of." And Jon sounds kind of angry and a little hurt and Ryan feels really guilty because now that he thinks of it, he doesn't remember Spencer saying anything about Jon being moody in any of his letters. It really is him.

"What are you listening to?" Ryan asks, sitting next to Jon on the couch.

Jon looks surprised for a second and then he looks offended. "It's the Beatles, don't tell me you've never heard the Beatles either?"

"Oh, no, I have. I used to listen to the one with all of them crossing the street on the cover at the library. This is them?" And Jon must approve of what Ryan says because he spends the afternoon giving Ryan an impromptu music lesson on the Beatles entire discography.

"You're such a pain in the ass, do you know that?" Jon asks in Ryan's room later when they're both naked and Ryan has him pressed back against the bed with one hand on Jon's chest while he rides him. Ryan likes it like this, likes the way Jon feels inside of him and how all he has to do is roll his hips to feel Jon against the place inside that makes his whole body shiver. "I fucking mean it, you're the biggest pain in the ass that I will ever meet, Ryan."

"Yeah," Ryan manages, gasping it out before moaning. "But I'm your, fuck! I'm your pain in the ass." And Jon looks so stupidly happy at that, so fucking relieved that Ryan feels guilt flood through him. Jon kisses him then, pulls him forward and licks into his mouth and Ryan's glad he can finally make Jon happy.

Ryan is still twenty one and he's giving Jon a lazy blowjob on the couch. It's the perfect way to spend a Saturday afternoon and Ryan doesn't know why he thinks of it but he pulls off and strokes Jon with his hand while he gets two fingers wet. When he looks up Jon is watching him and he grins and spreads his legs, tilting his hips up into Ryan's hand on his cock. He slides his fingers inside of him, pressing deep and closing his mouth around Jon's cock so he can ride out the jump of Jon's hips. He works both fingers in deep, crooking them up and making Jon groan and spread his legs wider.

"Come on, Ryan," Jon says, pulling on Ryan's hair and dragging him up his body for a kiss. "You know you want to." Jon's tight, so, so tight and he's biting his lip so hard to keep from crying out that Ryan's worried he's going to get in trouble with Spencer for fighting with Jon again. He presses his mouth against Jon's and slides inside. He waits until Jon kisses back to rock forward with a whimper, closing his eyes against the hard grip of Jon's hands on his hips.

He comes embarrassingly quickly, but he can't be very embarrassed by it, he was inside Jon Walker, of course he didn't last very long. They lay on the couch afterward, kissing until Ryan's mouth feels a little sore from it and Jon looks so, so happy.

A few days later, Ryan and Spencer fall asleep together on the couch, pressed together and napping like kittens in the sun and Ryan wakes up first, watches Spencer sleeping and remembers every time they ever did this back on the compound. He rests one hand on Spencer's hip and Spencer's eyes open just a little. He's still sleep-warm and not fully awake and he's so beautiful it makes Ryan ache inside, makes him lean forward to press his mouth against Spencer's. Spencer parts his lips, sliding his tongue along Ryan's and leaning into his body and for just a second, it's so perfect, so, so perfect. Then they both hear Jon's key in the lock and freeze for a second before Spencer rolls off the couch and goes to meet Jon at the door, not meeting his eyes even once.

"Spencer told me what you two did," Jon tells him the next time it's Ryan's night. He has Ryan on his back with two fingers stretching him open and Ryan doesn't know what Jon wants him to say so he doesn't say anything, just watches him. "He apologized, said he didn't want to keep things from me." Jon bites his lip for a moment and takes a deep breath. "I told him you two can, if you want... I won't be... you two can."

And that's...it's everything Ryan ever wanted for himself, everything he ever thought he'd want for himself. He can't help the rush of euphoria at hearing Jon say it but there's something sad in Jon's eyes and it just turns hard in the face of Ryan's happiness. It's not really a shock to Ryan when Jon turns him over onto his stomach.

It isn't the roughest sex they've ever had - Ryan still has clear memories of the early days, where he and Jon would leave so many bruises and scratch marks all over each other that Spencer spent days afterward looking sorry and apologizing for every little thing - but it's a near thing. Jon's hands are hard on his hips and every thrust rocks them both against the bed and has Ryan gritting his teeth in equal parts pleasure and pain.

"Jon," he says, finally breaking the silence and reaching behind him for Jon's hand.

Jon pauses then, laces their fingers together and leans forward to press his face against the back of Ryan's neck. "I just want him to be happy, Ryan. And he will be." There's an unspoken _with you_ there and Ryan squeezes Jon's hand tighter and rolls his hips back.

"Spencer loves you, he's told me a million times and he's showed me a million ways. You make him happy Jon, I swear," Ryan answers back. Jon has to know this, has to know that Spencer means every kiss they share and every smile he gives him.

"He'll never love me like he loves you," Jon whispers against Ryan's neck and Ryan's never felt so sorry for saying something so horrible.

"But you're the one he ran away with," he answers back and this time, when Jon thrusts forward, it's much slower, much softer and he's still holding Ryan's hand.

Ryan's almost twenty two and he's going to college in the Fall because Jon says "fuck that," to caring what the Council thinks about Ryan and yet they're all still here on the compound, Jon in his Whites and he and Spencer in black. They're burying his father today and Ryan doesn't feel anything but numb. Spencer holds his hand and Jon doesn't stray very far from either of them but it feels like too much is going on and he can't think.

He manages to pull himself away from Spencer and Jon and wanders down some random hall into one of the kitchens. There's a boy there, all by himself, making cookies and humming to himself. He offers one to Ryan and Ryan takes it, humming along with the boy until the boy starts singing and that makes Ryan stop and watch him.

An older woman comes in just as the boy is finishing the last batch of cookies and her eyes widen when she sees Ryan. "Brendon! Wipe that flour out of your hair and come with me, Elder Radcliffe mentioned wanting to speak to you. Everyone knows he's looking for a twelfth, it's not too late." And Brendon doesn't look very excited about it and Ryan can't blame him. Elder Radcliffe has to be at least sixty and his boywives regularly show up for church services with black eyes. But Brendon does as he's told and Ryan can't help but wonder why a pretty boy like Brendon would have trouble finding a husband.

It's good to have something else to concentrate long and it doesn't take long to hear Brendon's entire story, about his ruined reputation and impurity, how he's banned from singing in the choir anymore and Ryan feels a kinship with him. Brendon Urie, an old maid at twenty one and still smiling and offering stranger's cookies. He decides to talk to Spencer about Brendon.


End file.
